How To Make Friends (A.K.A. Don’t Bite People)

I love the peoples, and I really love my friends. But they weren’t always my friends. We had to become friends first. So if you were wondering how to make friends, I got’choo (Translation: I got you).

Yeah, my friends are hot. If you want to learn how to make hot friends, you'll have to come back for my next post.

Yeah, my friends are hot. If you want to learn how to make hot friends, you’ll have to come back for my next post.

First, I’ll start by explaining how to NOT make friends. THE rule: Biting is not an appropriate tactic to use when trying to make friends.

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Here’s a super flattering picture of me eating squid that was somehow solidified in some type of rock. It was in a museum. Should I be touching it?? There was no sign…

I was in a class that involved lots of human interaction, so I met quite a few people. For some reason I just wasn’t super social in this class (even though it was kind of forced upon us). I was just like that aloof girl who people may have thought was awkward. They never told me that, but it was probably true. Anyhow, one day I arrived at class and was making small chat with Henry (fake name, for reasons that will become very obvious in a second), when all of a sudden he grabbed my arm and bit me.

YES. He bit me. And I turned into a vampire. The end.

Well, I didn’t turn into a vampire, but on the inside I felt like Edward looked in the Twilight movie when Carlisle bit him. But I didn’t convulse outwardly. (See 0:25 to 0:37 for the visual, or don’t if you’re somewhat squeamish).

 

My germ-freak sensors went off hardcore though. I had stopped mid-sentence, and then I zombie-like, stood up expressionless with my arm still extended in front of me, hovering at a 90 degree angle, and started walking toward the bathroom.

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Here’s a picture of Copper, who I’ve know since he was a puppy. He doesn’t bite. Fun fact: he’s also my doppelgänger.

Behind me, Henry and some other guy in the class were laughing, but I was just too shocked to respond. I wonder if that’s how it feels to be bitten by a rabid dog . . .

I only turned around because I heard Henry shout, “Where ya goin’?”

“The bathroom. To wash my arm.” Apparently that was hilarious.

So yeah, that’s a really good tactic for making friends as every puppy knows. But really. It’s kind of cute when a puppy nips at your leg because they’re telling you they want to play. I’d stay away from this tactic if you’re human though.

How to make friends:

Step 1: Learn their names

It’s just a little thing, but it means a lot. Like that One Direction song “Little Things.” That lyric:
You’ve never loved your stomach or your thighs
The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine
But I’ll love them endlessly

Those are the little things that I don’t want to hear anyone singing about. Thank you. But you should learn people’s names.

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This is my bootylicious sister Dannah. That’s right. I know her name. Going on 21 years of knowing her name. Oh yeah, but one time she bit me. Maybe biting can help you make friends…

Step 2: Talk to them

Well, I mean me and my friends hung out in silence in the front room the other day while Face-timing our friend who was also doing her own thing (watching Once Upon A Time). But relationships like that have to be built first. So talk to people. You might like it, and if you don’t….I’m sorry, I guess.

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We weren’t talking, and then I said, “Smile.” That was it. #friendshipgoals

Step 3: Invite them to do stuff

If I’ve ever turned down an invitation to hang out, it’s not because I hate you, it’s because I hate the part of camping where you sleep on the ground and get bitten by bugs. It’s not you, it’s the parts about nature that I don’t like. We can still be friends because nature’s pretty.

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I know only that one guy looks like he’s having fun, but trust me, they were all having fun. And they all like me. Don’t question it.

Step 4: Actually care about them

Okay, so you actually have to care about the people you want to be friends with. Or else. Or else they probably won’t end up being your friend. OR you’ll piss them off and they’ll start ignoring you because they realized you actually don’t care about them. Sorry, that got dark. But think about it, you like it when people care about you—so you gotta care about them too. *Kiss of care*

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Kind of kissy face. I realized I have no photos of my kissing people. Thank goodness.

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